poems,  poetry

Squirrel of Worry

January 25, 2023

Sometimes when things are going well,
the daredevil squirrel of worry
suddenly leaps from the back of my head
to the feeder, swings by his paws
and clambers up, twitching his question mark tail.
And though I try the recommended baffles —
tin cone of meditation, greased pipe
of positive thought — every sunflower seed
in this life is his if he wants it.

Ted Kooser, Winter Morning Walks, page 48

Well, I did not receive the news I wanted to hear from my cardiologist yesterday. The valve is in the severe stage and something needs to be done. The valve that was replaced 4 years ago is, in the doctor’s opinion, too small for my body which is why it failed so early. An echocardiogram 1 month post TAVR echo shows elevated MG of 26mmHg and Vmax of 3.27m/s, consistent with PPM. Which in doctor speak says the valve is already struggling. So, they are recommending I meet with a cardiothoracic surgeon for a possible SAVR (open heart surgery again) with a root enlargement, making that opening larger to accommodate a larger replacement valve. I have an Left Heart Cath set for Feb 13th then meet with the surgeon on the 15th. If the cardiothoracic surgeon does not think I’m a good candidate for whatever reason, the groin procedure is still an option but they’d still be looking at a valve that is too small. Not what I want. My next appointment is with the Hematologist to look at my low Platelet numbers. They say I’m thrombocytopenia.

Again, it’s not the news I wanted but it’s what I have. Another opportunity to live in the present moment by keeping an eye on my feet and wiggling my toes.

About the image and poem by Ted Kooser. I’ve encountered this squirrel of worry throughout my life and in the past 4 weeks it has been quite busy. I must admit all my worries are based in fear (False Evidence Appearing Real). I do my best to face these worries as part of life by finding quiet time, practicing prayer and meditation, spending time in nature and reaching out to a listening ear or being that listening ear. Avoiding my fears or denying them has never been a solution. Hoping you’re having a great Wednesday!

Retired. Having fun shooting Fujifilm cameras. Journal daily. Meditate daily. Learning haiku. Have a love for fountain pens.

10 Comments

  • Tom Dills

    January 25, 2023 at 3:27 pm

    Yes, using the squirrel as a metaphor for worry is surely appropriate. Like squirrels, worry can be quite persistent. When Kathy complains about the squirrels feasting on our feeders, I remind her that they have nothing better to do. Worry is much the same.

    Sorry to hear about your news. I recall from a previous post that the re-replacement might not be as invasive as the original procedure. But still, the idea of having holes poked in our bodies, regardless of size, is no fun. We’ll be thinking of you and looking for news as the time goes by. Take care out there!

  • Earl

    January 25, 2023 at 3:53 pm

    It’s not what we were hoping for you either, Monte. Sometimes we’re the passengers in our lives, and the best we can do is go along for the ride and peer out the window. We are sending our best wishes and thoughts for a good outcome.
    Bonnie and Earl

  • Faye White

    January 26, 2023 at 3:49 am

    I’m so sorry the news was not what you/we had hoped for. Take each day as it comes, one hurdle at a time. Know that your friends are thinking of you and sending healing thoughts.

    • Monte Stevens

      January 26, 2023 at 7:16 am

      Needless to say I was disappointed. Open heart surgery is very invasive which makes recovery difficult and long. For now I need to just enjoy this chai latte and journal. Enjoy your sunny day!

  • Mark

    January 26, 2023 at 4:02 pm

    Understandably the squirrel of worry isn’t welcomed now Monte. Healing thoughts are with you – sorry you aren’t facing better options.